Furstrations

Ya know, I have to admit that I complain a lot. I don't mean too, but even from the person that says I complain the most, I have a lot of issues to be upset about. My mom is sick, I just lost my job and now it feels like my boyfriend doesn't wanna talk to me at all.
I just feel so alone. And honestly I have no idea what to do about it.
Today was not a good day for me. I have been very unhappy the last couple days and I really feel like I have no one to talk to.

And honestly, as much as I could say that it's all over the obvious problems, like the issues with my mom that bothering me the most, but that would be a lie. Yes I'm scared about whats happening with her, how can I not be? I know that she's within that small percentile that has made it this far when so many others don't but her confusion upsets me and she's just not the mom I remember anymore. It's so hard to explain... And I know I could say I'm worried about my future with work and whatnot, that's definitely true. But I'm almost looking forward to not going to a job I hate every day. It feels like I'm just torturing myself this week by even bothering. And yes, this whole crazy thing with my boyfriend is driving me nuts. I get that I'm being overbearing and it's all very overwhelming for him because he has his own problems to deal with. But when I call to say goodnight and he says he just doesn't wanna talk to me, it hurts. And he just doesn't seem to get it... And I feel like I can't bring it up cuz it's pushing him away and making him uncomfortable.

But really it's not that... Not any of that. I realized earlier while I was sitting in my room crying after getting off the phone with him. Yes it was frustrating. Yes I wanted to see him and to hear him reassure me and tell me he loves me, but he didn't. But that wasn't the biggest thing on my mind.

I feel so alone, like I have no one, because I feel like I'm losing the one person I have had in my life for over 20 years. I feel like I've done so much to hurt him without meaning to that he just doesn't even wanna bother with me anymore. And it scares me. That's the thing that make me feel the most alone. I've always had him on the sidelines. Yes I've probably friend-zoned him one too many times, but it feels like every time I am single he isn't interested.

I don't wanna ask for anyone's help anymore. I'm sick of relying on people that aren't there for me. I've been so depressed in the last year and no one has even seemed to notice. Well maybe it's time for me to take a stand on my own and show the world that I can do this. That I am strong. And not only for myself but for Meika as well.

I feel like apologizing for complaining again, but I'm not going to. I have no need to apologize. I have done nothing wrong. And maybe that another thing that's bothering me. What have I done to deserve all of this?

God or whoever the hell is upstairs better have some pretty hefty retribution planned for when all this shit blows over... Argh.